Rains

Stayed back today at school till 3pm.
When i was walking to the gate, B
The rain started to pour.
I managed to hide under a tree,
But the rain began to pour heavier,
waited for 15minutes for my father to take me home,
But he has yet to arrived.
I decided to climb the gate and into the school
to make a phone call.
I was absolutely soaked.

Usually i like rainy days,
lightning striking and thunder roaring.
I'll sit on the sofa in my room,
watching the sky through my window,
enjoying it.
I feel comfort and calm when it rains,
It seems it is rejuvenating and refreshing the world.
Lightning is deadly whereas thunder is fearsome,
A combination of great powers in an element...
Dark clouds pervading the skies,
A barrier to the sunlight,
That is how i like it.

Tomorrow,
my friends are coming to my house ...
I dont really like to have guests,
i'll just decline them when they request,
but this is for once i'll let them in,
a chance of a lifetime i may say,
Be grateful ~

Troubled

Something about how i screwed up during my camp

Waiting in the darkness,
My heart filled with coldness.
Depression setting in,
Troubled by my sins.
The remorse i feel,
Is forever sealed.
How i wanted to apologise,
For the honour i demised.
Was i blinded by excitement,
Ignoring the rules that were prominent.
Fears haunts me ,
Shattering the glass in my world.
This is where no humans dare to tread,
A world of fear and anger that will  forever stay undead.
Nothing more but pain,
Will i get exile for my shame?
The judgement i await,
Accepting my fate.

Lost my cool

In the end of the camp,
The seniors said that they are not satisfied with my attitude.
When i reflected myself,
I actually lost my cool
I somehow overdid it during the games we played.
I regretted.

It is as though there's a beast inside me,
the only thing restraining it from rampaging
is my mask,
and this one broke.

In the older post, [Deception]
" I felt weird,
Why do i have the will to win the game,
and actually did all those deceptions,
to achieve it."
i think i had found the answer...
Maybe then,
the beast inside me has already started manifesting.


My fellings are ambiguous now.
The blames are on me,
And i shall accept them willingly.

I shall change,
cooler and colder than ever,
A mask of ice,
to face them from now on.
The hope i have ,
is to gain back the honour i once had.

Blind Affections

I looked at the mirror of myself,
Somehow something urge me to just break it.
i just turned away,
I felt the face that i behold is inferior to others...
I wont continue to express how i feel furthermore,
Since its pointless.

Anyway, today,
heard some stories of a friend getting back together
with someone he likes.
Sometimes,
I just dont understand how they feel,
Have they ever considered their relationships lasting?
Or is it just a short term of love between teenagers?
It may just seems to be a blind affection to me,
But to him,
Its not.

I know he is trying to mend the bond,
he no longer have.
His thoughts are no longer clear,
Does this just brings confusions?
In the end,
Will he just break down with emotions in tears?
Wont it be dire?

I know he suffered alot,
The disease he had to withstand.
He once told me,
he was never this emotional and social.
It was the bonds he have with m2x and s32n,
they really changed how he is,
The silent and depressed him.

Maybe it's not wrong,
Life are meaningless without relationships,
They can change one's life,
And life can change one's relationship.

I thought deeply,
contemplated long,
Wondering the answer to this,
Maybe its just something i cant comprehend.

Flashback

Played a few games of " Pikaball" with S32n,
It was easy to win against him.
Somehow
While im playing,
Flashbacks of my past in my primary school,
appear before me.

Everyone had played this game before in their life,
mostly in their primary schools,
maybe that's what made me recall those times.

When i think back,
The image of me there,
I wanted to just punched myself out,
For i see my self as a naive, inexperience jerk,
But it was beyond reach...

I played jokes,
Make fun of people.
I even laugh at people when they are in pain,
Furthermore ,
they were girls.....
Against boys,
I fought for honour,
but now,
I see it as a childish act,
merely a fight among boys,
unnecessary actions...
I was absolutely ignorant.

Maybe that is what made who i am today,
i totally changed,
I tried to keep my cool firmly,
Assuring i would not repeat the things ,
That may be my eternal regrets.
Seeking self-forgiveness and redemption.

A trap

There was a fire today,
it was fun ,
running like that.

Anyway,
I finally created a mask behind a mask,
Acting as a barrier,
Also a trap,
Guarding the fragile mask of mine behind it.
This way,
Doubts upon me will gradually fade away..

Why is it a trap ?
People say im childish doing such things,
Well part of me say its fun in a manipulative way.
A trap which will give me a better chance to my scheme,
Although i dont want to hurt others with lies to protect ,
the secrets i hide......
Thats why a fake mask is created,
Distant others from penetrating me,
Getting hold of me.
Reduce the lies that have to be made,
Attain consolation.

Arrogant

Most of you,
like to be
King of the hill,
top of the heap.....

Well,
I like to show a facade of difference.
It was this morning,
I was praised.
I somehow hate to be a bit glee,
Never showing that im proud of it.
 
I like it better if i just kept quiet,
and not boast too much.
Ever heard of ,
The higher they are,
The harder they fall.
The more arrogant i get,
It will just lead me to my own demise.

It's better if i stay low,
Avoiding acknowledgement is what i believe in,
Waiting for the right moment, 
Forging my foundation,
Never unveiling what i've done.
Then when i really am confindence,
That is when i spread my wings.

Even though i have a firm foundation,
We cant be too careful,
What do angels last see when they die?
It's their own downfall,
They lost their wings,
thrown far from grace,
Down to the chasm of the abyss.

There are others that are better than me,
Why dont we just aim for the top,
instead of gradually presenting our own results,
when others are there to insult you 
every steps in your way?