Rains

Stayed back today at school till 3pm.
When i was walking to the gate, B
The rain started to pour.
I managed to hide under a tree,
But the rain began to pour heavier,
waited for 15minutes for my father to take me home,
But he has yet to arrived.
I decided to climb the gate and into the school
to make a phone call.
I was absolutely soaked.

Usually i like rainy days,
lightning striking and thunder roaring.
I'll sit on the sofa in my room,
watching the sky through my window,
enjoying it.
I feel comfort and calm when it rains,
It seems it is rejuvenating and refreshing the world.
Lightning is deadly whereas thunder is fearsome,
A combination of great powers in an element...
Dark clouds pervading the skies,
A barrier to the sunlight,
That is how i like it.

Tomorrow,
my friends are coming to my house ...
I dont really like to have guests,
i'll just decline them when they request,
but this is for once i'll let them in,
a chance of a lifetime i may say,
Be grateful ~

Troubled

Something about how i screwed up during my camp

Waiting in the darkness,
My heart filled with coldness.
Depression setting in,
Troubled by my sins.
The remorse i feel,
Is forever sealed.
How i wanted to apologise,
For the honour i demised.
Was i blinded by excitement,
Ignoring the rules that were prominent.
Fears haunts me ,
Shattering the glass in my world.
This is where no humans dare to tread,
A world of fear and anger that will  forever stay undead.
Nothing more but pain,
Will i get exile for my shame?
The judgement i await,
Accepting my fate.

Lost my cool

In the end of the camp,
The seniors said that they are not satisfied with my attitude.
When i reflected myself,
I actually lost my cool
I somehow overdid it during the games we played.
I regretted.

It is as though there's a beast inside me,
the only thing restraining it from rampaging
is my mask,
and this one broke.

In the older post, [Deception]
" I felt weird,
Why do i have the will to win the game,
and actually did all those deceptions,
to achieve it."
i think i had found the answer...
Maybe then,
the beast inside me has already started manifesting.


My fellings are ambiguous now.
The blames are on me,
And i shall accept them willingly.

I shall change,
cooler and colder than ever,
A mask of ice,
to face them from now on.
The hope i have ,
is to gain back the honour i once had.

Blind Affections

I looked at the mirror of myself,
Somehow something urge me to just break it.
i just turned away,
I felt the face that i behold is inferior to others...
I wont continue to express how i feel furthermore,
Since its pointless.

Anyway, today,
heard some stories of a friend getting back together
with someone he likes.
Sometimes,
I just dont understand how they feel,
Have they ever considered their relationships lasting?
Or is it just a short term of love between teenagers?
It may just seems to be a blind affection to me,
But to him,
Its not.

I know he is trying to mend the bond,
he no longer have.
His thoughts are no longer clear,
Does this just brings confusions?
In the end,
Will he just break down with emotions in tears?
Wont it be dire?

I know he suffered alot,
The disease he had to withstand.
He once told me,
he was never this emotional and social.
It was the bonds he have with m2x and s32n,
they really changed how he is,
The silent and depressed him.

Maybe it's not wrong,
Life are meaningless without relationships,
They can change one's life,
And life can change one's relationship.

I thought deeply,
contemplated long,
Wondering the answer to this,
Maybe its just something i cant comprehend.

Flashback

Played a few games of " Pikaball" with S32n,
It was easy to win against him.
Somehow
While im playing,
Flashbacks of my past in my primary school,
appear before me.

Everyone had played this game before in their life,
mostly in their primary schools,
maybe that's what made me recall those times.

When i think back,
The image of me there,
I wanted to just punched myself out,
For i see my self as a naive, inexperience jerk,
But it was beyond reach...

I played jokes,
Make fun of people.
I even laugh at people when they are in pain,
Furthermore ,
they were girls.....
Against boys,
I fought for honour,
but now,
I see it as a childish act,
merely a fight among boys,
unnecessary actions...
I was absolutely ignorant.

Maybe that is what made who i am today,
i totally changed,
I tried to keep my cool firmly,
Assuring i would not repeat the things ,
That may be my eternal regrets.
Seeking self-forgiveness and redemption.

A trap

There was a fire today,
it was fun ,
running like that.

Anyway,
I finally created a mask behind a mask,
Acting as a barrier,
Also a trap,
Guarding the fragile mask of mine behind it.
This way,
Doubts upon me will gradually fade away..

Why is it a trap ?
People say im childish doing such things,
Well part of me say its fun in a manipulative way.
A trap which will give me a better chance to my scheme,
Although i dont want to hurt others with lies to protect ,
the secrets i hide......
Thats why a fake mask is created,
Distant others from penetrating me,
Getting hold of me.
Reduce the lies that have to be made,
Attain consolation.

Arrogant

Most of you,
like to be
King of the hill,
top of the heap.....

Well,
I like to show a facade of difference.
It was this morning,
I was praised.
I somehow hate to be a bit glee,
Never showing that im proud of it.
 
I like it better if i just kept quiet,
and not boast too much.
Ever heard of ,
The higher they are,
The harder they fall.
The more arrogant i get,
It will just lead me to my own demise.

It's better if i stay low,
Avoiding acknowledgement is what i believe in,
Waiting for the right moment, 
Forging my foundation,
Never unveiling what i've done.
Then when i really am confindence,
That is when i spread my wings.

Even though i have a firm foundation,
We cant be too careful,
What do angels last see when they die?
It's their own downfall,
They lost their wings,
thrown far from grace,
Down to the chasm of the abyss.

There are others that are better than me,
Why dont we just aim for the top,
instead of gradually presenting our own results,
when others are there to insult you 
every steps in your way?

Loophole

A boring Monday as always...
I think i hate Monday the most.

Today,
M2x ask me,
Why dont i smile and talk more?

Simple....but abit complicated.
I usually feel awkward talking to someone,
especially the oral test with the teacher..
i usually screw it.

Why do i keep most of the things to myself?
I feel more secure, invulnerable, unpenetratable,
Im safer
in a world of my own.
The feeling not most can understand.
You can say that as though i wear an unpenetratable armour.

I wont simply express my feelings or emotions,
If it's a smile that i have to make ,
A fast smile it will be,
What if im sad?
I cant really say,
I havent cry for a long time.

But sometimes,
When i awaken from my sleep,
i find drops of tears on my face,
I wasnt sure the reason....

Even though i keep secrets and other thoughts to myself,
It's hard to keep it forever,
Even its an amour im wearing,
I must surely have a weakness.
This is where the blog comes in,
A loophole,
Its a sanctuary where i find peace,
Express what i have forbade to reveal face to face.
This is how i wont lose my sanity

Deception

Saturday

A camp was held school by my uniform unit,
A physical training camp to be exact.

In the morning did some marching,
It was tiring because we had to do over and over again,
because we were marching with some newbies.

Afternoon,
Did some physical games,
There's one game where the group leaders have to face off,
One have to perform one stunt that the other cant.

The opponent leader sucessfully did five one hand full pump,
That was obviously impossible.
I wasnt scared at all,
I was actually really impressed and as an enemy.
I wanted to be like him,
Wanted to train more just to be able to do that.

But the game at night was the most fun,
The best is at the last of course.
A station game, each group gets 12 tokens at the begining,
Each station will have to be paid 2 tokens to have the chance to play,
Win, 1 token shall be recieved, lose, well....
You actually lose those 2 tokens....
To get to another station.
Either win the game or buy the hint with more tokens.

In this crazy game,
I actually did most of the deception,
Persuaded the seniors, Lies made..
Getting them to be merciful...

Besides that,
We even Jumped Stations,
Traded hints with other teams,
The seniors were actually surprised why we were at the wrong station
Since we had the hint (given by other teams)
They had to let us play...

In the end, 6 stations, almost 12 seniors decieved....
Got more than enough tokens....
Guilty haunts me alittle...
I felt weird,
Why do i have the will to win the game,
and actually did all those deceptions,
to achieve it.

I was waiting for the day to end,
Frightened that they may find out,
Finally...all went well..
Salvation for my heart's fear

Game Over

Actually this happened last night,
through the window,
Lightning striking,
I dont know why im so fascinated with lightnings lately.
Ever wondered how lightnings are formed?

When a positive charged cloud and negative charged cloud come close,
A discharge will happen,
Pretty simple actually.
Imagine the power of controlling protons(+) and electons(-),
You can charge protons in a person's body without him knowing,
Then discharge thousands of electrons...
Dont say im cruel,
Its just an imaginary.

Back to today
Well, finally...
the game between me and GSH has ended.....
there was nothing more to do...
Told him who i am ...
He was not surprised of course,
since he already had came so close to finding out..
M2x spoiled it mostly ..

It was fun in a manipulative way,
Fooling with someone's thinking...
It was not nice though,
But friendships are tight,
Never easy to break..
This would just mean,
He's a true friend,
And there will be another friend who will share,
with me,
Experiences and secrets.

Love?

Almost half of the class went to the talk by a famous teacher today,
The class was boring but a bit fun.
Well.. M2x and Ntf were not in class,
GSH who is close to finding out who i am was not in class too.
I was so relieved.

About 3 or more periods,
the teacher was not in class,
We talked of course.

There was a topic on the girls we liked,
It was a topic among S32n ,Ji2 and me to name a few...
They suddenly asked me whether i ever loved someone.

The answer was obviously no,
Love is a hard word to express,
You cant simply say it to someone.

Whenever you fall in love,
Emotions collides,
You'll get confused,
L.     O.     V.      E,
Lost Over Vast Emotions
You cant really interpret or decide what you really feel...

What about 'liked ' they asked,
Well...like is simpler,
But i still said no,
I never REALLY liked any girls,

Even though beauty may caught my eyes,
A glance it will be .
It doesnt matter,
I can never be liked,
with a subtle exterior of mine.
It may seem that im carefree,
but inside me,
I'm anxious and cared alot

Yet, i can say i liked a few,
I could not express it,
when i liked someone,
I rather hide it,
Conceal it....
Let time guide me through....
Never telling what i feel,
Obviously,  a shadowed dead end it maybe,
Then it will just have to be memories,
Forgotten.....
Never revealed..

Rest

There was a talk in school from the previous principal,
Gave us a test on our own personality,
Mine was,
Investigative,Artistic and Secretive o.O

Today,I was thinking,
My mask is still getting penetrated.

I'm thinking ,
I should take a rest from this madness,
A temporary short break,
Let the assumption on me fade.
Get back to the shadows,
From the ligtht.
Mend my mask,
Put back the pieces that i've lost.

When there's a beginning,
There's an end.
But let me say this,
The end for me is not near,
I shall hold on as long as i can.
But for now,
The only thing that is concerned,
Is a well deserved rest for me.

Leak out

Well, as always, woke up and went to school ....
Today, i felt the time was passing fast,
Every period just went by,
Before recess, went to the books gallery,
Wanted to buy a book.....but out of stock T.T 

Today,
i felt as though my secrets are being known,
My mask is shattering,
My identity,secrets leaking.

I actually only told a few about my secrets,
Kelvin,M2x and NTF,
Kelvin was the one that made me start this madness,
M2x, well...i accidentally leak it out too...cant deny it,

And NTF, he forced me.....
I dont really trust him-
Yet of course

He promised to hide the secret that i 'bestowed' upon him,
But promises are just words,
Uttered in an emotional rush,
Powerless against the nature of time,
The possibility of revelation is vast.

Hey NTf, if you were to read this post,
I hope you are a man of his words.

Tomorrow Is Another Day

Sunday
Prelude of the new week,
Just thinking of it make me unpleasent,
Tomorrow is a new day, a new week.....
Yet another torture,
Crouch in the silence of the night,
Anxiety through out the week howling inside me.

Enlighten dreams fill my mind,
Hatred and love burst into a srife,
There's hatred towards school,
Yet love towards my friends that support me.

Desire gradually defiant it,
My aim of life seems to sway.
I must get a grip though,
But my heart wants vice versa.

Whenever i'm depressed,
An image always appears in my mind to calm me down,
I imagine i stand alone,
Snow raining down upon me,
I'm confused,
I like the white snows,
But i live in the dark void.........

Lonely again

Nobody knows who i really am,
I never felt this empty before,
If i ever i need someone..
Who's gonna comfort me,


Can you feel my world?
If i ever get lost in this stormy world of mine,
The wind and waves shall guide me thru......

Nobody knows who i really am.....
Everytime i see your face,
I wan to be yours..
Even i shall be imprisoned in it,
I will never mind

Deep inside , i want you to know who i really am,
I will lend you my resonant voice to guide you,
Never letting you go.....


Deep in the abbys i run,
Walking a serene path,
Is this peace or is this loneliness?
I seem to enjoy it yet despise it

 

We are merely bypassers

Just thinking of it
Make me admit
The life we go through
The tunnel we walk through
Are we just merely passing existence?
In the end,We will just fade away in nothingness
All that have be done will be just a past
Aren't god supposed to be just?
Every cloud has its silver lining,
Nothing is one-sided......
We were given the chance to dominate the world,
Yet we hide in the space that is void
I am abide to live in the shadows,
A bystander,an observer, the identity i never show.
The world is still an enigma to us humans,
Are we guilty that we defy god or are we innocent.......
Or is it just not the time .....
Awaiting the future that maybe grim... 

                                                                

The Chaotic Class

At about 11am after the history teacher went out . The students went on an unstoppable

chaos. It was practically torment to my ears though i kinda enjoyed it a little, dont blame me
, who doesnt like a bit of freedom.

Yet a while later, 1 of our class prefect came walking in. The anger in his face was clear, he pulled one of the student's collar, then pushing him back straight at the wall behind, and punched his fist into his abdomen. Whoah , that gotta hurt.

The story is this, the student actually hid the prefect's beg and possesion which made him mad since he couldnt find it.......he lost control and went on berserk.

Well, I will remember that not to mess him anymore, if I were the prefect I might also do that to that poor student, who knows, emotions are unpredictable

The secrets i hide

Today,when i think of my friends, the secrets that i hide,  my mind flew

I always think, everytime, in this repeated cycle of life.
What do human really strive for?
What is the hardest thing to achieve? What i think is -secrets.

Human have surpassed boundaries, every obstacles that god had cast upon them, they have achieved everything there is, technologies, knowledge. 
Exams, there have been so many people that had already achieve the best results.
Money, human too have succeeded in that.
Boundaries, human explored the deepest seas, furthest space.
Yet, what that cant be resolved are secrets.........human are still searching the secrets of the space, nano-scopic organisms, for myself, i keep alot of deep secrets in my heart.

I never showed my real self to anyone......
I always wear a mask,
Every mask hides a secret,
I hid my emotions as though i am void
And yeah, i think secrets are the hardest thing to keep and to get
eventually they will be exposed in an emotional rush...or rather willing-ly..........
I sometimes feel guilty though,
Lies that i gave to my dear friends
Lies are made to keep secrets
Lies are bound to make u guilty
Well, that's the burden i have considered to bear